I did it. I actually did it. Hello, my name is Angie Dean and I quite my job! My last day is April 7th and it can not come soon enough. I have been thinking about it for months and I finally grew a pair. I realized that I can't keep doing the same thing and expect it to feel different. I don't want to look back at my life and wish I would have done things differently. Sure, I have made many mistakes and will make many more, but, I need to start listening to my instincts and trust myself.
A big part of what made me make this huge decision was my son, Xander. He will be a year old on May 8th and because of work I only see him a few hours a day. I convinced myself that working was the best thing: He will see that woman can be breadwinners too; he will get to socialize with other kids while I am at work; he won't be too dependent on me... All of these things are good and true, however, I can not stop thinking about his need for his mother and how primal that need is. My boy is not going to be a baby for much longer and I am missing it. Will we be a wee bit poor? Yes... but ya know what? I DON'T CARE. We may not be able to eat out all the time or have cable anymore but I will get to see my sweet boy everyday in the flesh instead of looking at the pictures that my babysitter sends me (although I love her for doing that for me).
Reason number two for quitting is that my job is the worst. I say that with not full sincerity but that is how I feel right now. I am a victim of full blown burn out. every time my work phone rings I have an urge to throw my phone against the wall as hard as I can... or maybe answer my phone and scream "Do something yourself!" Social work is known to have a high burn out rate and for VERY good reason. I used to be able to go to work and then flip a switch after leaving so I could actually enjoy my free time. I have lost the ability to do that along the way. I go to work, take care of the needs of 20 mentally ill adults, and then come home and take care of the person that I actually want to take care of... the problem is by the time I get home I am too exhausted to actually enjoy the time with him. When I get Xander to bed I have a short time to myself, but all I am thinking about is that I should go to bed because he might wake up for the day at 4:00am... and the cycle continues day after day after day.
Any mother who works will understand this no matter what field they work in. Constantly giving to everyone around you and doing nothing for yourself. Well mamas, I encourage all of you to take care of yourself no matter how difficult because you know what? Your baby will not be happy unless they have happy parents. Miserable people make miserable parents. AND, you know what will also improve if you are taking care of yourself? Your relationships! I am fortunate enough to have a solid marriage with a wonderful man. He is wonderful because he puts up with coming home to a stressed out, wound up wife all the time. I have noticed even since putting my notice in several week ago that our relationship has gotten even better. Turns out people like being around happy people more than crazy people, go figure! (I use the term "crazy" loosely).
Though I am very excited to move on to another chapter in my life I am also a little heart sick. I do enjoy many things about my job and I am truly going to miss many of my clients and coworkers. Some of my clients I have had for almost four years and have become close to them. My coworkers I can keep in touch with but I am not allowed to maintain relationships with clients once I am no longer an employee. It has been difficult to tell my clients and see their reaction to me leaving. Some feel that they are being abandoned and I am trying my hardest to fight feelings of guilt. I do, though, know for sure that I have made the right decision for me and my family. I do want to add as a sidebar that in no way am I judging mothers who work full time by choice or by necessity. I may find that I may not be able to stay home for an extended period of time but it is just what I need to do right now. There are positives and negatives to every decision and I am just trying to live in the moment because in an instant it could all disappear.
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