Livin' the Dream

So... It has been a couple of week now of my new found freedom and let me tell you, it is pretty spectacular! I won't lie, it is by no means all fun and games but compared to what I was doing on a daily basis at work, this is a cake walk!

I realize I am probably just experiencing beginners luck with this whole stay at home mom thing.  Who knows, I may be royally screwing up my kid without even realizing it but for now, I am having the best time!

Though I adore my sweet boy and am having a blast spending so much time with him I must tell you that one of the best perks of this gig I can say with four simple letters; Y-M-C-A.  I have had a membership for YEARS but never realized the true value because I never had time to actually go! I can go there as much as I want and they will watch my little one for as long as I want to work out... I don't even have to work out! I actually thought about getting dressed in my workout gear, dropping him off at child care, and going to read a book with a latte in the lobby! Is that terrible? Well, don't worry because I couldn't go through with it but one of these days it is going to happen.  No matter how easy being a stay at home mom looks everyone needs peace and quite for a few minutes here and there and you will not get it in the presence of a one year old.

I have managed to keep myself busy so far but it has given me a good chunk of time to think. This is both a good and a bad thing I am afraid.  I am only in my 20s for a few more months and in some ways I feel like I am starting over.  I went to school, had a full time job that very well could have been a career; but here I am, unemployed and not sure what I want to do for the rest of my life.  I love that I have the opportunity to stay at home with my boy but he is not going to need me at home forever.  What will I do when he is in school full time?  I don't want to wake up in 10 years and realize that my baby doesn't need me anymore and I have nothing to do with myself.  I need more.  

Being a social worker is very gratifying in some ways but after awhile it rubs you raw until all of your nerves are exposed.  I need to take advantage of this incredible opportunity that I have to not only raise my son but to do a little soul searching for myself and figure out what the dickens I am supposed to do! (Yes, I said "dickens." I am from the Midwest, okay?!)

P.S. I am exploring my love of food these days so stay tuned for some wicked recipes ;)

SAHM Day #1

I have just completed my first day as a SAHM (stay at home mom).  I must admit that it feels every bit as spectacular as I had hoped! I was hanging out in the kitchen with the little one this morning and noticed that there were workers taking down some trees in the neighbors yard and thought, "That's weird that they are working on a Saturday," and then I realized... It's Wednesday AND I am not at a job I hate!

To top it off my greatest friend, Meredith, is in town from Michigan.  I have known this women for over half of my life.  She is a sister to me and it feels wonderful to have her here while I am beginning this new and exciting journey.  She is currently pregnant with her second child.  Her first child, who is now almost 7 (where does the time go!), is my God child.  I was present at her birth at Meredith's request as her partner at the time was a complete "ass hat" as Meredith would say.  To give you and idea of him I will tell you that while she was resting between contractions he told her that she really needed to "stay in the game." I kid you not.  Meredith has asked me to be at her second birth as well and I am so honored to be there.  Seeing her give birth the first time was one of the most moving, powerful, indescribable events of my life.  Being the first person to see a life come into this world... there are simply no words to explain how wonderful.  I highly recommend that everyone see as many live births as possible. It's easy, just go to the hospital with a white lab coat and pretend you are a doctor! No one questions people in white lab coats.  

Yesterday was weird.  It was my last day at my job and I had things to do but it felt like it didn't matter because in that type of job the work is never finished.  I really don't think I realized how much the job was effecting me emotionally and even physically because I feel 100 lb lighter today.  It is going to take me awhile to adjust because I keep feeling like my boss is going to call me and tell me that I have to come back to finish something I forgot to do. This is silly because if that happened in real life I wouldn't do it! 

The work load at my job was truly ridiculous. The most frustrating part is that upper management either does not understand this or doesn't really care.  They always ask us how we can improve morale and blah blah blah but nothing ever changes.  I busted my hind end for 4 years and when it came down to it one of my bosses told me that it was "non-negotiable" that I do all of the client reviews for the month even though my last day was April 7th.  I didn't even get a, "thanks for all your hard work, Angie." This said, there is not a doubt in my mind that I made the right decision. There isn't enough money in the world that could keep me at a thankless job where I am not appreciated. The only reason why I stayed as long as I did was because my direct supervisor is the nicest person that you could meet and I knew that I could count on, at least, her. 

Not to imply that people actually read this, but if you do, you will read more about my previous job. It has been a significant era in my  life.  I have had good times, bad times, and traumatic times and I need to process what happened.  I need to get the words out into the universe so I can let go and move on.  To those of you who do take the time to read my rants, I thank you for letting me spill my guts! But don't worry, I will throw some lighter things in the mix too... They say I can be pretty funny.

Free at last!

I did it. I actually did it. Hello, my name is Angie Dean and I quite my job! My last day is April 7th and it can not come soon enough. I have been thinking about it for months and I finally grew a pair. I realized that I can't keep doing the same thing and expect it to feel different.  I don't want to look back at my life and wish I would have done things differently.  Sure, I have made many mistakes and will make many more, but, I need to start listening to my instincts and trust myself.  

A big part of what made me make this huge decision was my son, Xander.  He will be a year old on May 8th and because of work I only see him a few hours a day.  I convinced myself that working was the best thing: He will see that woman can be breadwinners too; he will get to socialize with other kids while I am at work; he won't be too dependent on me... All of these things are good and true, however, I can not stop thinking about his need for his mother and how primal that need is. My boy is not going to be a baby for much longer and I am missing it.  Will we be a wee bit poor? Yes...  but ya know what? I DON'T CARE.  We may not be able to eat out all the time or have cable anymore but I will get to see my sweet boy everyday in the flesh instead of looking at the pictures that my babysitter sends me (although I love her for doing that for me).

Reason number two for quitting is that my job is the worst.  I say that with not full sincerity but that is how I feel right now.  I am a victim of full blown burn out. every time my work phone rings I have an urge to throw my phone against the wall as hard as I can... or maybe answer my phone and scream "Do something yourself!" Social work is known to have a high burn out rate and for VERY good reason.  I used to be able to go to work and then flip a switch after leaving so I could actually enjoy my free time.  I have lost the ability to do that along the way.  I go to work, take care of the needs of 20 mentally ill adults, and then come home and take care of the person that I actually want to take care of... the problem is by the time I get home I am too exhausted to actually enjoy the time with him.  When I get Xander to bed I have a short time to myself, but all I am thinking about is that I should go to bed because he might wake up for the day at 4:00am... and the cycle continues day after day after day.

 Any mother who works will understand this no matter what field they work in. Constantly giving to everyone around you and doing nothing for yourself.  Well mamas, I encourage all of you to take care of yourself no matter how difficult because you know what?  Your baby will not be happy unless they have happy parents.  Miserable people make miserable parents. AND, you know what will also improve if you are taking care of yourself? Your relationships! I am fortunate enough to have a solid marriage with a wonderful man.  He is wonderful because he puts up with coming home to a stressed out, wound up wife all the time.  I have noticed even since putting my notice in several week ago that our relationship has gotten even better.  Turns out people like being around happy people more than crazy people, go figure! (I use the term "crazy" loosely).

Though I am very excited to move on to another chapter in my life I am also a little heart sick.  I do enjoy many things about my job and I am truly going to miss many of my clients and coworkers.  Some of my clients I have had for almost four years and have become close to them.  My coworkers I can keep in touch with but I am not allowed to maintain relationships with clients once I am no longer an employee.  It has been difficult to tell my clients and see their reaction to me leaving.  Some feel that they are being abandoned and I am trying my hardest to fight feelings of guilt.  I do, though, know for sure that I have made the right decision for me and my family.  I do want to add as a sidebar that in no way am I judging mothers who work full time by choice or by necessity.  I may find that I may not be able to stay home for an extended period of time but it is just what I need to do right now.  There are positives and negatives to every decision and I am just trying to live in the moment because in an instant it could all disappear.